Life

I've really been thinking about what I want to do with my life now. Not just what I think is expected of me, but what will make me happy and fulfilled. The number one thing I want to do is to continue traveling the world.

One of my favorite trips so far has been to Argentina. I went with my church a few years back to help build a convention center and start some churches. Before you go off thinking I'm some crazy fanatical "REPENT NOW OR GO TO HELL" type of person, let me assure you I'm not. I'm a christian, but I'll never push anything on anyone. The best thing about these church trips, honestly, are that they are incredibly cheap and you get to interact with the locals in a way you never could with a tour guide.

I had to share a room with 23 other women (bunk beds to be exact), a bathroom with 2 toilets, 3 showers, and 2 mirrors and sinks. If I was any kind of a high maintenance girl, it would have been hell. But fortunately my hygiene standards aren't that high, especially in foreign countries where no one knows me or cares.
I just remember getting up to the room we shared, after spending 8 hours in the hot sun mixing and pouring concrete, and listening to women bitching about how the outlets didn't work with their flat irons. They basically sat in the room all day unless they went shopping at a store across the street (basically the Argentine version of Walmart) or to the zoo or something. I almost felt sad for them because they were miserable not doing anything. They missed SO much by not being willing to help out.

I got soooo much out of just being around the locals. I remember one day on the weekend, we went to a store and we asked an associate to help us find something. He started taking us around the store to find it, when we ran into one of his friends. He stopped while we were following him and greeted his friend and started talking to him. He seemed to have forgotten about us, and I remember after a few minutes of them chatting, I started to get angry thinking "We're the customers, we should come first." Actually, we shouldn't. That was my first reaction as an American, but when I really thought about it, the relationships with our family and friends should be MUCH more important that a strangers. Our way of thinking is kind of twisted, we want what we want and we want it now. Companies are so focused on making money that our personal relationships have been tossed to the side. That way of thinking is wrong.

I want to continue to keep growing as a person and looking at the world from a different perspective so I hope I can travel for the rest of my life.

Jobs

So I'm trying to find a more stable, regular-hours job. Me. Never thought I'd be saying that because I like really flexible schedules. BUT I do want to have my nights and weekends free, and the day jobs tend to pay more. So I'm sending out my resume left and right hoping to get a call back for something.

I don't mind sending out my resume. But what I have problems with are cover letters. I understand they are important (if they weren't I'd never send one out) but they're just difficult for me to write. Basically you have to tell a company how fantastic and perfect you are for them... without coming across as an arrogant asshole.  I'm one of those people that would like you to get to know me and notice the good things (and bad) about me without being told. So having to tell someone how 'perfect" I am for their position... uggghhhh it's just hard because I feel like I'm coming across arrogant. And you can't put little smiley faces or anything because that's immature (I am 23 for crying out loud).

So my little kitten has been throwing tantrums. I've never had a cat like this, but that is literally what she does. She doesn't like to be left home alone and she has been a lot this past week because I was gone. So whenever I come home she makes it her number one goal to show me how pissed off she is that she got left behind. This generally includes galloping across my lap or laptop, bouncing off my head, climbing the screen door on the patio, knocking over her water dish, ripping up the couch, and just about anything else she can think of. I always know when she's mad because she runs as fast as she can all over the living room floor. It's kind of funny but I think I need to get another kitty to keep her company because it takes the little bitch a couple hours to calm down now.

Reality

On Easter I found out my boyfriend has another girlfriend. He tried to make it seem like it wasn't serious. I decided that this was something we could work through if he was willing, which he seemed like he was.

I checked the phone records before I left on Wednesday. It wasn't over between them, they'd been talking every more. I was left staring at the computer screen, unable to stop shaking as rage/hurt rushed over me in debilitating waves. It's over between us. I cried a little, got my self under control, then got on the plane to Idaho to be with me family for a week.

What do you do when all the plans for your future are wrapped around someone who doesn't even want you? How do you even begin to think of what to do? Fortunately he was a complete asshole about it, saying it was my fault and things like that, which has definitely gave me closure. Thank God I wasn't a complete wreck and managed to celebrate my dads 60th bday with him.

So now I'm back in Phoenix. I'm going to start picking up the completely shattered pieces of my life, taking the good things and moving forward. And I'm leaving that lying bastard behind and never looking back.

Leaving, on a jet plane...

I'm leaving this afternoon for Idaho, woohoo! I'm so excited to see the family, and all my old friends. Some of them whom I haven't seen for well over a year. I have 2 babies too take a look at since my friends popped them out when I wasn't there (how rude, they should have waited), and another friend with one on the way. CRAZY.  I wonder if the feeling of being an adult is always going to feel this weird with each step in life, or if someday I'll just accept it... probably not.

I need to stop blogging and make the bf some food (he says he can take care of himself but that always consists of making peanut butter sandwiches so I don't believe him). I'm not going to see him for 11 days because he leaves for a business trip right before I get home, and that's very depressing. We've been having our up and downs lately but I think no matter what, I always want to be around him. I know the year of long distance dating made us appreciate being around each other more so than a lot of couples. I'll really miss him.

I also need to pack ha ha. I intentionally procrastinate because I love packing light and if I start any sooner than 24 hours in advance I end up bringing half of my closet and bathroom with me, plus some. So at least this way I don't go "Ohh yah, I should bring this..." and pack a bunch of stuff I never see until I'm unpacking again. The best part about seeing my sister is, we're the same size, so I literally could bring no clothes (with the exception of undies, OBVIOUSLY) and just wear her shit. Which I'm counting on doing because I'm only bringing a carry-on ha ha. I don't want to dig out my old winter clothes anyways.

I can't wait to fly. I love it like a fat kid loves cake. All the excitement of the airport, everyone going somewhere. I love it! Airports mean I'm going somewhere, going to have some exciting new experience, or simply coming back home. Looking up at the flight information monitors and dreaming about sneaking on a flight to some distant country. Wondering the destination of each person I pass. I love the anonymity of it, no one looks at you or bothers you. It's one of my favorite places to just be alone.

I better go pack! 

Daddy

My dad's 60th birthday is coming up. Wow. I really wish everyone could meet him, because everyone deserves a dad like him. I want to dedicate this post to him and why I love him so much.

I want to thank my dad for always being available whenever I needed him. He always made sure he was around for everything. It's said that a girl's choice in the men she chooses to love, is reflective of her dad. I want to thank my dad for setting the bar so high.
For showing me that a man does whatever it takes for his family.
That a man stays true and faithful and loves his wife. 25 YEARS OF MARRIAGE! Everyday longer I'm with my fiance I realize how much that required and what that really means. What a selfless love.
That a dad is more than the income provider, that he is a source of comfort and love and great wisdom.
That a dad puts aside his dreams until his children are grown up because they are not a responsibility to be taken lightly.

I want to thank my dad for still loving me, even through the years of me being a little shit head (teenage years and up). Even if we were fighting he still would do anything for me. That taught me that true love has no boundaries, it has no pride, and has no limitations.

My dad taught me to have no prejudices. That everyone is a human being and needs to be accepted.

My dad taught me that being a christian isn't going to church to get your "get out of hell free" card. Christianity means loving people, in any way possible. Loving the unlovely and embracing the outcasts of the earth. It's about bringing hope to people with no hope, and finding an even greater hope along the way. It's about never judging and always accepting. It's about getting past ourselves, and finding new ways to reach out to people.

He has taught me so much and I am so grateful for the time I have been allowed to be with him and for the time I will have in the future. I love you daddy.

Tattoo

I've been wanting to get a tattoo for awhile now. I've put a lot of time and thought into it because I've seen too many tattoos that look fucking retarded.

I had a friend that called me out of the blue one time, to see if I'd take her to get a tattoo. We'd kind of grown apart lately, she always seemed to have a new boyfriend she was caught up in. She'd taken a pretty strong pain killer and wasn't sure how it would effect her driving so she asked if I'd do the driving. Why would you get a tattoo if you were so scared of getting it you had to take medication? But I agreed and we went. On my way over to her place I was thinking about how she'd never really said anything about wanting a tattoo before... I hadn't hung out with her a lot lately, but she didn't really seem like the type to get tatted up. So I pick her up and drive out to the tattoo shop... that she has never been to before... to get tattooed by an artist she's never met. WOW. You're going to permanently put something on your body based on a quote you got over the phone, and not the artist's actual work. I was appalled. And, to top it off, either this shop, or one with the same name (same owner) had recently given someone Hepatitis from getting either a tattoo or piercing from them. SKETCHY.

So we're at the shop and we're waiting for the tattooist to draw up her tattoo and I'm still trying to figure out why she is getting one, when in walks her (what I call) 'boyfriend of the week.' Absolutely covered in tattoos and I just cringe. She is getting a tattoo to impressed her new boyfriend who she literally, has been dating for a week. GAAAAHHHH HOW CAN YOU DO THIS? IT'S PERMANENT. THE BF WILL NOT BE! Thank God she was getting it on her side where it is easy to hide other wise I'm not sure I would have been able to let here get it. So before she even starts to get tattooed, bf of the week has to take off to go to a party. The whole situation is almost comical at this point. I almost want to cry for this girl too because knowing her track record, this relationship will not last. So she finishes getting her tattoo and I drive her home, vowing to myself over and over that:

1. I will never get a tattoo for a guy. Unless I'm married to him. I don't want something permanently on me reminding me of a failed relationship.
2. I will take the time to find an artist that can do an amazing job on my tattoo, and I will pay the higher price for it because it will be on me permanently.
3. I will take my time thinking about a tattoo, and how it will effect me later in life. No spur the moment tattoos. Just something that represents a part of me that I will always like.

Relationships

I've been thinking about the relationships people have with one another. The relationships between siblings. The relationships between you and your parents. The relationships with your different friends. All complex and unique. I've started to realize how selfish I am when it comes to them. Most of the time I can only think of myself and how the relationships are effecting myself. But that is absolutely ridiculous, because I don't care who you are, at some point in your life a relationship is going to be strained, and all you can think about is how it's effecting you. How they are so annoying and selfish. How they never see your side.

But how many times do we STOP, and look at their side? How many times do we ask the question, am I the one causing the tension? In my case pretty much never ha ha. But I've really been trying to lately. I think the best piece of advice I've ever heard (I think it was from my mom), was that if things aren't going well in a relationship, you can't expect the other person to change. What you can do (if the relationship is worth it), is change for them.

Basically if someone is doing something annoying, you can't make them stop, not if they really don't want to. What you can do is to stop letting it annoy you. Which drove me nuts at the time. If someone loved me, they'd change for me right? Well hopefully. But really the only thing that we can control in relationships is how we deal with problems and situations come up. We can never control the other person, only ourselves. So ultimately our happiness is up to ourselves. Should we have relationships with people that always take and never give? No, that's unhealthy. But should we look in the mirror and consider giving this time instead of taking? Absolutely.